Instead of Dreaming

In a room illuminated only by the orange lights of the street, where one could barely see another's face if not by looking straight into their eyes, two young ones who had chosen to spend some time together were enjoying each other's company.

Standing by the window was a young man, looking lost while gazing at the sky. Sitting by the kitchen's table was a girl, whose though's the young man was too much of a boy to properly grasp. And knowing so, he chose to talk.

"You know... I was talking about love with a friend of mine yesterday." He said, still gazing outside.

"Love? What do you mean?" She answered, maybe while looking at him.

"Well, I was actually talking about people we admire. People we envy. People whom we wish we could be more like. People who we like to spend time with. Who we want in our lives. Then I realized we were talking about people we love." He said, a strange smile coming naturally to his lips. "I remember saying that sometimes such people are like the sun. Like stars. We can't help but want to gravitate around them. You know what he asked me then?"

He turned around to look at her. Not avoiding her gaze, staring straight into her eyes, he waited.

"No. What did he asked?" She finally said.

"He asked, 'if such people are like the sun, how do you see yourself?'. And I couldn't answer then."

Dropping his gaze, he sighted for a moment. He was clearly not sure of what he was doing. Clearly afraid of what he was sharing. But gathering a little bit more courage, he faced her again.

"But I think I can answer now. I feel like I can perceive myself better now. If my loved ones are like the sun... Then I am something like a tree. No, a small forest." He said, his smile turning somewhat humorous and self-conscious for his words. "I can only truly breath and live while the sun is shining upon me, but even if at night things can get a bit scary inside, I am always full of life."

Walking slowly, he then approached her and extended his hand to her face, not quite touching but almost as if caressing her cheeks with utmost care.

"Do you trust me?" He said.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you trust me? There is no problem with saying no. I won't mind if you don't. I just want to give you something if you can trust me."

"What is that something?"

"I still don't know. But trust me. Please."

He stared into her eyes for who knows long. She blinked. Took a deep breath. And answered.

"I don't know."

He smiled again. His third smile that night. His saddest smile ever.

"Then it's all right. I can always dream."

And retracting his hand, he went back to the window, with his back to her. Maybe he cried. Maybe he was relieved. Maybe he was sad. One thing was sure though,

It was night, but all was well. He was still full of life.

Lucas Rangel Lima

At Some Point....

If people live alone
Until they don't
I wonder when that change
Will happen to me

Because I'm already pretty tired
Of fleeting companies
Shackles of friendship
And misconceptions of love

I'm almost done
With all that

For every single day
I spend trying to deal with life
I lose myself a little more
In my own problems
Adding more to my darkness
Becoming more comfortable alone
Or more hateful to be with

Rotting slightly
With every single second
Dying a little
As I become a demon

Or a demon-like fool

I don't even know
How this is gonna end
How long I will be able
To hold on to myself
Before someone comes up
And help me
Pick up my pieces

It's all so blurry

If people live alone
Until they don't anymore
I just want to live long enough
For that to happen to me too

And if that is not true
Well

I guess I can live by myself.

Lucas Rangel Lima

The World You are Not In

Crushing the fourth can

In just the right time

Just the right amount

I shed my shell of lies

And sing a song

Just for myself

Oh, for I am alone tonight

And baby, my dear

I love myself so much

When you are not around

I sing about freedom

About love and why I don't need it

I sing about fulfillment

About life and why it's too long

I sing about all the little things

Those I lost with you

And with so many other girls

That I can't be bothered to count

Oh, for I am alone in this life

And baby, my dearest

I love myself so much

When I don't want your smiles

I sing about a tought

About the past, about regret

The words I said, the things I did

My failures, which I cared about so much

Which I thought were all that mattered 

How I harmed you, how I was hurt by you

And I reaffirm

The world you are not in

Has nothing but me

And I love myself so much in it

That I never want to leave again

Lucas Rangel Lima

My Prayer

Thank you
But I don't need no words
Not now. Not ever.
I don't need no comforting
I learned how to do that by myself
Actually,
I need nothing.

Nevertheless,
Thank you
I really do appreciate
You being here and all
Whoever you are,
Listening to this
Caring
It's important
It's endearing
It's why I choose to be here
With you

Just call me by my name
Share dinner with me
It's all I need to go on
To forget or accept
To be able to once again
See a sweet dream
When I close my eyes

So then, I could live
The continuation of such a dream
Be it in your arms
Or just in your companionship
Till the night falls
That'a all I need
True company

And so, I pray
To thank you
For being here
Not for your words,
For I am too cynical
To believe such love
Not for your comforting,
For I am too fragile
To accept such kindness
I thank you for myself
Who has nothing
But you
Filling my heart

The dreams you made me remember
The feeling of wanting to come back
The strange emotion of belonging
Beside you

Is priceless
I need nothing,
Besides that

Lucas Rangel Lima

Under

"Men over emotions."
He thought
"Me over my heart."

Rationality.
Made sense, though not happiness
Made a way, though who knows where

"Somewhere better than here"
He supposed
"Somewhere I feel comfortable"

Loneliness
Was harsh, but not hurtful
Was bitter, but still pleasant

Still, he had it inside him

Emotions no men could be over
He felt
Deep, thoroughly

As irrational as it could be
It was natural. As happiness should be.
It was the way. It didn't matter where.

To a good here, a sweet evening
He assumed
A place normal, special

He had it inside him still.

And no matter how under it was
He actually hoped
That it would always be there.

Lucas Rangel Lima

Just another day, Just another ending

Away from home

Well, the truth is

He didn't feel he had one anymore

The boy sat in a bench under the rain

No other choice there

No place would ever accept him

Chewing on a piece of bread

That he got out of pity

From another person who didn't really care

He tried to keep his body warm

Lying to himself again

His only way of enduring another day

He was tired, after traveling far

After giving up so many times

And seeing no other choice other than walk

So he chose a few songs to sing

As if there was any song he ever loved

That wouldn't hurt him, make him remember

Hoping maybe someone would listen

It wouldn't be that hard to notice, right?

How painful was the scream he was hiding

Hoping that the rain would stop

Or at least, that he wouldn't get sick

And again, have to endure all by himself

By the time morning came

Cruel and uninvited,

As the usual promises of hope

The boy was still awoke

He had a good reason to

Either cold or hunger actually

The rain was over

Yet, as he waited for his clothes to dry

He could feel that his body couldn't take it anymore

And he would soon go on his way

Or the closest to that

That a lost person can get

He gathered his belongings

That is to say, what was still left

From all the time he gave himself away

And got up when he was ready

When he though he could

Without his legs failing him again

It was just another day

Just another ending

That he was too hopeful to take

Lucas Rangel Lima

Still in Pain

They say I am coping
With what, they don't know
They have their guesses
And as always, nothing but assumptions
My guess? Well,

I guess it's my fault

My fault for hiding, for fleeing
For not explaining what I can't understand
It's my fault for laughing, for being a friend
While hoping for something to change

They think I am taking too long
Even though they say they don't understand
They have their worries
Am I one of them?
I don't know

But it sure doesn't look so

Otherwise, I wouldn't have to hide this much
To flee from any possible harm, lose my trust
Pretend to smile, when no one is there for me
When I always have to get up on my own

If I scream, they don't know what to do
So I try not to scare them anymore
If I cry, they soon pretend nothing happened
So I try to pretend I don't mind too

I dry the tears,
They ask "What happened?"
I don't know. I am just hurting.
An hour later, it's all okay
In their eyes
They think I am coping
That it's just taking too long
I don't know
I am still hurting

I don't want to use anyone,
So I don't ask anything
Maybe I am afraid
For maybe they are there cause I look strong
Cause I seem to be trustworthy or something
I just accept any favor, lend my shoulder
So my love will be noticed in my silence

So my screams would be heard
My tears would not be ignored
When I needed
I don't know
I am still in pain

Lucas Rangel Lima

The King's Conclusion

And once again,
The king was reminded
That the happiest man
In his enormous castle
Wasn't the wise wizard
Nor the praised warrior
But the foolish pierrot
Who danced,
At his own heart's tune

While he may have all the fortune
And all his wishes at his hands
The foolish pierrot had his love
And as the simpleton he was
He held satisfaction at that

He would watch the smiles
And feel glad for bringing them to be
He would trip and fall countless times
And as the foolish pierrot he was
He would just mend his wraps
Smiling dazzling to the croud

That's why the king loved him
That's why he hated him
That's why all envied and mocked the fool
Who could just be in love
Get hurt, cry in pain
And fall again, as if nothing mattered
Just to see those smiles

It took the king time and time again
And as he concluded, he knew regret would come
For noticing what really mattered wasn't easy
To realize he couldn't give his kingdom
For that simple life
That simple way of loving
Was realizing that no gold, no power
Could bring to his heart a change
Could make him happier than the foolish

For that foolish pierrot
Knew no fear, no pain
Or at least, would soon forget about them
Would soon be up and out again
Loving, laughing, hurting and insisting
As no king,
No wizard,
No warrior
Would dare have the courage

To ever try to imitate

Lucas Rangel Lima

Another Cherished Lesson

I guess
There will never be someone
That will never hurt you
I guess there will never be a life
That you won't regret
And there will never be a love
That won't need to learn

I guess that's fair too
It's not as if we could help it
Hurting other people
It's not like all of our choices
Could have a better ending
And after all, love
Shouldn't be for ourselves right?

So, I guess a dinner would be nice
As the friends we should be
Sharing a bed a few times
Or glass of wine, a cup of tea
Be yours for a while
But not for me

I guess
Starting over is all right
No matter how you see
Not doing things different,
Just how they should be
Not expecting, just forgiving
What the other could not see

Loving thy neighbor
As you should love yourself
For maybe our own shortcomings
Were the cause of this lonely hell

I guess
I was wrong. I was weak.
I was all I blamed you for hurting
I was a blind man, and will still be
With or without a friend, I am sorry.

So, I guess at this point
We could talk, as in the past we did
We could forgive, or at least let it go
We could go deeper, or just leave it
Maybe just be memories to each other
And learn another lesson.

Another cherished lesson...

Lucas Rangel Lima

Shouting the Heart

That night,
He threw away his pain
And filled the empty shell left
With wild screams of longing
Cries of pleasure and ecstasy
Shouts filled with meaningless satisfaction

He shout it out loud
As if that feeling would last forever
As if he was made to love in that way
Licking the whiskey up, spilling from his lips

As if what he got from every kiss
Was his reason to live

That night,
He left himself fade away
Carried in the smoke of a cigar
He burned for a second
Like ash and whiskey
Like a feeling, like a song of love

Until the night was trough
Until the vibrations gave away
Until no kiss had any meaning once again
He let his shell be filled

In a loud melody,
Shouting everything in his heart

Lucas Rangel Lima

夜明けを待ていた嘘の歌

あの閉じてしまった目には
誰が最後に移ったのだろう
何を昔に求めていたのだろう

そして眠ることができた間に
悲しみのない夢の中でさえ
今でもどうして安らぎが見つからないのだろう

あの冷たくなった心には
誰が最後に触れ合ったのだろう
何の温もりが昔にあったのだろう

今の方がもっと優しくなったのかも
傷ついて、疲れすぎて、諦めていた後に
全てを許すことができるようになったのかも

まあ、あいつならもう知ていた
恐れだけが残したあの目には
安らぎなんて見つかるわけないって
否定されただけがあったあの心には
誰かを持って、憎むことさえも
無理でした

あいつの夢は深さや重さのない
一人ぼっちの泣き言で過ぎなかった
あいつが持っていたはずの愛も同じく
口からの優しさだけで過ぎなかった

あの少年に
あいつにあった全ては
夜明けを待ていた嘘だけであった
光に触れ合い、解けてゆく定めの嘘
その瞬間を待って、
あいつを支えていた嘘であった

それで、その瞬間の後
本当になれる機会を待っていた
ただの嘘であった

Translation: Song of a Lie that Waited for the Dawn

In those closed eyes
I wonder, who was reflected for the last time?
What was sough for in the past?

And, while he couldn't sleep
Inside his painless dreams
Why couldn't he find any peace even now?

In that heart that turned cold
I wonder, who had touched it for the last time?
What warmth did it had in the past?

Maybe it was gentler now
Too hurt, too tired, after giving up
After being made so as to forgive anything

Well, he already knew
In those eyes where only fear was left
Of course peace couldn't be found
In that heart that was only denied
Carrying someone to even hate
Was impossible

His dreams had no deepness or weight
They were just the tears of a lonely man
Like the love he was supposed to carry
Everything was just lip-service gentleness

To that boy
Everything that was inside of him
Were just lies waiting for the dawn to come
Fated to melt away with the light, nothing but lies
Waiting for that moment
While supporting him

And then, in that moment,
Waiting for the chance to turn into the truth
They were just lies

Lucas Rangel Lima

月がない夜空

彼はいつも通りに

何もなかった日の後

眠ることができなかった

彼は病気じゃなかったけど

その魂は死んだように見えた

彼は平気な顔をしてたけど

その裏は苦しくて、寂しくて

まるで月がない夜空だった

深い、果てしのない闇のように

全ての光を飲み込むように

嵐の雲や星の光さえも

その空っぽの空を満たされることができない

けど彼には，月がなくっても

夜空が好きだった

一人でいたっても

美しく見えた

寒くても、暗くても

彼は信じていた

彼は知ってた

たとえ月がなくても

夜空にはいつか

きっと太陽が上る時が来る 

Translation: Moonless Night Sky

As always he was,
After an eventless day,
Unable to sleep

He wasn't sick, but
His soul looked like it could be dead
He looked just fine, but
Inside he felt so painful, so lonely

As a moonless night sky

A deep, endless darkness
Engulfing all light,
Even the storm clouds and the stars
Couldn't fill the emptiness of that sky

But even with no moon
He liked the night sky
Even by himself
He thought it was beautiful

No matter the coldness, the darkness
He still believed
He knew

Even with no moon
In that night sky
The sun would surely come

Lucas Rangel Lima

Sound and Heart

If a song is felt
Wordlessly, clumsily
Accidentally or even unwillingly
Could it save a dying heart?
Could it spark a flame of warmth?
Could it inspire a new hope, another light?

If a hug is shared
With no heat, no beat
No proximity, just a wish
Could it move a frozen body?
Could it break a wall of fear?
Could it bring a hidden smile, forgotten laugh?

Maybe no musician could answer
No singer, no player
Maybe no lover would know
No friend, no companion
But they would still sing
They would still try to reach

Maybe no heart could be saved
No fire could be lit
No hope or light could be born
Maybe nobody would be moved
No fear would be fought
No smile or laugh would be given
But

If sincerity couldn't do it
Wordlessly, clumsily
Accidentally or even unwillingly
What could save a dying heart?
What could spark a flame of warmth?
What could inspire a new hope, another light?

If true caring wouldn't do it
With no heat, no beat
No proximity, just the wish
What would move a frozen body?
What would break a wall of fear?
What would bring a hidden smile, forgotten laugh?

What could make us go forward?
What would give us a reason?

Lucas Rangel Lima

As I Used To

How many times
Have I looked up to the sky
From the top of the cliff
Knowing that I should just jump
That I could just fly and be free

And yet, I stood there
Tied to the ground
Afraid
Of what?
I am not sure
Neither of why

How long has it been
Since the last time I fell?
Since the first time I failed?
Since the fear got so big
So as to make me forget

I know I can fly
I always could
I used to do so
I used to smile
I used to run
I just can't remember

How many times
Have I listened to these songs
With my saxophone in hand
Knowing I could just feel them through me
That I could just play and melt away

And yet, I bit my lips
Frozen without breath
Afraid

The same circle
The same doubts

The same answers

I had forgotten the wind
Ignored the force that could lift me up to the clouds
I had lost my courage
Minded small and foolish details and chances

And without knowing right from wrong
I stagnated
I stopped

Lucas Rangel Lima

Come in

Come in, please

Make yourself at home my dear

The bathroom is over there

And feel free to borrow my clothes

Though, 

I hope you do not mind

If I light a cigar while you are here

I hope you do not mind, but

If you do,

I will refrain, my dear

You are the queen this night

I am but your servant,

As any other lover

Use this place as your castle tonight

That is how I want you to feel

To thank you for all the smiles, all the laughs

From the bottom of my heart my queen,

I love you

So, as I promised,

Here is your warm tea

And I shall cook whatever you like

Tonight is ours to live my dear, my queen

Tonight is ours to love and embrace each other

To be free and to be secret

So,

Come in please

Make yours this home my dear

The bedroom is over there

And feel free to rip my clothes...

Lucas Rangel Lima

Winter Clouds

With a lit cigar on his lips

He watched the setting sun rest

The wind turn the leaves into birds flying

The sky red and orange turning into deep dark blue

The mysterious nightfall

Crashing into the city silently

Like a deep sadness, slowly finding its place

Into the smallest corners of a stagnated and tired heart

Like the sky he watched

He felt his soul growing restless

All the fragments he brushed away joining

Molding a stabbing thorn into his cracked emotions 

For how much longer

Would he be strong enough?

How much further would he have to walk

Until he could finally fall without regrets, or maybe...

Discover another answer?

The night was already dark and black when he noticed

His cigar was long burnt into the ashtray

Even the tears, if he shed them

Would be dried too

Nevertheless, he did not feel like sleeping that night

The warmth of a morning was too much

If he could delay it for a little

Buy more time to...

Maybe he was just afraid of waking up abandoned

More so then when sleeping alone again

Losing another piece of his smile

Getting even more scared

He wanted to feel secure again, somewhere inside

To think of trusting and sharing love

See the sun as his friend for once

And graduate from the night

But the winter clouds would not let him so.

Lucas Rangel Lima

The rest is Sea?

Resting the other night

Listening to those old songs

Words of love repeated like poison

Uncertain ideals dressed up as the truth

When did he start to believe them?

Instead of thinking for himself?

Feeling and actually trying?

Did he even think?

Why would someone else

Know what was good for him?

What was really true in this world?

If love was real or fundamental or just

One way of being happy?

It was too late

The wave in the sea

Had already involved him

Like the night, quietly and fiercely

But now he knew

Even though he was not free anymore

He was not going to be surprised

And I will tell you

The eyes CAN see

What the confused heart

Can`t understand

And being happy? 

Its not about being alone or not

After all

If the rest is just the sea

Its deepness cannot be know by us

And of course it`s beauty

Cannot be told

And I will tell you

That wave that rose in the sea?

Those stars we forgot to count?

They could have led us to sadness

And happiness, either way

Still,

He kept thinking in his rest

That those words said by other man

Repeated so softly by every lover

Had some weird meaning

He kept listening to those old musics

Those words of love repeated like poison

Several uncertain ideals dressed up as the truth

And his rest?

Turned out to be another weight on his sore back

Lucas Rangel Lima

Drifting

The sea was all around him

Way crueler than he could have imagined

Way colder, vast and deeper

Much more than his little boat could take

He knew he was going to die drifting

It had been such a long time

He finally understood that no land

Would welcome a fool

And he was no sailor

For how many days

Did he drifted alone?

How many times did his boat,

Dragged around the ocean,

Met others who would just abandon him?

Just be taken away by the waves

Be sunk by the storms

Or even sail by themselves

Looking for their rightful land?

He knew he was alone in that sea

And that he was loved by the stars 

That reflected on it at night

He knew that he was not even trying anymore

That he accepted his fate on that boat

And that he was not even moving

He knew there was no way

That the cruel waves would bring him fortune

There was no way that without raising and sailing

He would ever be able to find not even an island

But he thought to himself

"I need to stay in the sea with them"

For he knew 

That he wasn`t the only one drifting

That his despair was already over long ago

That no other storm could hit his boat so hard

So as to make him lose his way again

He believed in the sea

He hold his faith

He stood there, waiting for other lost ones

To see his smile and his warmth

To sail by him, and then maybe

Find their own way back to their lands

Maybe even one day,

Take his boat together with them

To visit...

Lucas Rangel Lima

Fragile

He felt there was a hole between his arms
A space filled with air and loneliness
An unwelcome vacancy
Solitude

Even between his fingers, he felt
The coldness of the dry wind
The slight trembling
Hesitation

He knew he that already wanted to hold her
Otherwise, the hole would not be there
He knew it was her hand he wanted to feel
Otherwise, the cold would not be there

He was inside that lake again
Tied down in the darkness
Waiting for the end
Thinking

In the end,
Loving was as scary to him as it was to be loved
Not feeling complete by himself was evil
He could not ask again for someone to complete him
He knew that

But still, it could not be that wrong
To want to hold her in his arms
To desire her warmth
To drown

It did not feel wrong at all

Yes. He was probably...
Just that weak...

Lucas Rangel Lima

No Looking Back

He sat down in his living room,

Waiting for her to get out of shower

Without thinking,

He prepared her some warm tea

And prepared himself a drink

He knew it was not going to be an easy night

How many months since the last time?

How much did he thought about her?

And more important than anything,

When was it that he managed to forget?

Until that same day, 

But a few hours later

Until he saw that woman crying in a corner

So familiar, so changed, so sad

When he realized, she was already in his car

Her story was the same as always

She had not changed at all, still in that same place

It was like it was HIM who left

But he was no kid anymore

He knew that she choose to stay there

Why she disappeared without telling him

And now, it was already too late

She got out of the shower

Ignoring the clothes he had prepared for her

With her wet hair glued to her face

Her red, teary eyes fixed at him

And but a towel covering her body

"Thank you for this...." She said

"It`s not how you think." He answered

He had already decided never again to meet her

No sense in coming back after being left

In his heart, that night was not allowed to happen

And that is what he thought to himself the next day

But still, when she suddenly hugged him

When she cried loudly in his arms,

With her body still warm from the shower

With her hair still wet, smelling like his shampoo

He lost track of his feelings

Embracing her, as he wanted to in the past

They dreamed a night, forbidden

They closed their hearts while opening their bodies

And consoled each other, after hurting and being hurt

The next day, she was given back to her life

To the place she choose to stay, mistaken or not

And he...

He did not look back.

Lucas Rangel Lima